I’m Tense… 

….Really Really Tensed up. So I’m going tomorrow to reapply for something that I was obviously rejected for. You see, my body is always on default panic mode – Like, always. I panic about everything, believe me, everything. 

See, I’m not really used to pouring out my inner self for the public because really, I can’t deal, that’s why I have a password protected diary, so all this talking to strangers is new to me – obviously I know nobody would read this post till like years from now (who even reads my blog anyway?) 

So, blogspace, I’m sad and really sleepy but I can’t sleep, because I’m Tense. It really is a small thing I’m applying for and everyone else got it the first time, but I sat by the phone day and night, not a ring – they never called back. Do you see now, why I’m Tense. 

 I feel weird, that’s all.  At this point, I’ve dealt with enough rejections that this shouldn’t mean anything at all. I mean, I’ve heard it all – We’ll get back to you. We’ll take it up from here. It’s not you it’s me – ughhh. What am I even saying?

I’m scared of so many things – of being a regular blog, because I don’t want someone to walk up to me and throw something personal  I put on the blog In my face. I’ve had that before, someone saw something I wrote at a low point  in my life, in an old phone and literally laughed it in my face. Lord, I was livid – I hate people. I’m meant to be a regular Nigerian girl, heck I’m meant to be musing, this ought to be my space. I opened this blog because I wanted a quiet place where no one would find me and ask me the next day in school if what I posted in the blog was about me with a ludicrous expression on their face (I don’t even know what the word means) 

I’m tired, people. I just found out my ex lied to someone, that  we weren’t dating when we were – dating, that is. (I hope I’m not rambling). It was a tell her or I’ll tell her situation and he said he handled it but he didn’t, and it’s been so long and I just found out, is it okay if I hate him some more, I mean he’s already an ex, It’s not like there’s still feelings… Ughh, can I just, Oh Lord, I can’t deal with people. 

I have a job to apply for tomorrow and I’m out of my mind wondering if I’ll get it or not, and I know I’ll regret Making this post in the end. Please if you know it’s me, don’t walk up to me and ask me anything. Yes, I’m 1Nigeriangirl and I wrote it, don’t  stick it in my face, it’s not cute. 

2 thoughts on “I’m Tense… 

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